A lot has been on my mind lately.
I've been trying to distance myself from social media because I want a better connection with myself, but instead I've realized just how attached I am to it. Some days I'll wake up, pick up my phone, and scroll from sunrise to sunset. I'm honestly disappointed in myself.
I missed my healthcare renewal for absolutely no reason, and now I'm hoping I can fix it tomorrow because I still don't have a job and my son has doctor's appointments coming up. I can't blame anybody but me.
It really made me stop and ask myself, what am I actually addicted to? Is it seeing what everyone else is doing even though they probably couldn't care less what I'm doing? Is it comparison? Is it distraction? Do I get some weird comfort from the negativity? Or am I just avoiding myself?
Every morning I open my phone knowing exactly what waits for me. Comparison. Negativity. Stories that shape my mood before I've even had the chance to shape it myself. I know it affects my mood. I know it distracts me from the things that actually matter. I know I'll probably see something that leaves me comparing myself or questioning my life. So why do I keep opening it?
Some mornings I wake up wanting to become a better woman, and before I've even gotten out of bed I've already let Instagram decide how I should feel about myself. One minute I'm looking at women who make me question myself. The next I'm reading another story about a Black man losing his life.
I saw the story about Nolan Wells today. Before I became a mother, I would've just thought, that's heartbreaking. Now I see my son. Everything feels different now.
The craziest part is that while I'm scrolling through everyone else's life, my own son is in the next room. I could be reading to him, teaching him something, or making memories that I'll probably wish I had more of one day. Instead, I'm sitting here wondering what I'm so afraid of.
What am I going to miss if I put my phone down? Why does scrolling somehow feel easier than sitting alone with my own thoughts? I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing this I'm going to try again. Maybe I'll fail again too. But maybe that's the only way I'm ever going to answer these questions.