I’ve been so in tune with life lately that I’ve actually been struggling to find the words for the past couple of weeks. I’m still enjoying my time with my family and watching my baby boy grow every day. Things feel a little different now that I’m no longer breastfeeding and he’s finally sleeping on his own. The transition has been smooth, and it’s given me the chance to curate my own little “nightlife” with his dad. It gives me a small glimpse of who I was before the baby, but at the same time, there’s this strong realization that I’m not that person anymore. It’s like missing something while also accepting that this is what life is now and we can’t go back. Would I even want to?

Fall is approaching, and my favorite part of the colder seasons has always been the festivities, the smells, and the food. But there’s also a certain clarity that comes with fall and winter that I really love. Everything feels a little quieter, and somehow that makes it easier to hear myself think. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately and clearing out some of the noise in my mind. Naturally falling into a more stable routine with Tycen, getting rid of most of his clothes and bringing out warmer, cozier things, preparing the house for the season, changing the candle scents, and rearranging things to create more space. It’s funny when I think about how our mental state can find its way into our physical surroundings. Lately, I’ve felt like I need my house to reflect where my mind is, so I’ve been keeping myself busy creating that feeling.

I’ve also been thinking about what my next steps in life might look like. I think I want to work part-time and go back to school part-time instead of feeling like I have to choose one or the other. I’m trying to do things in my own time and not rush myself into the next thing just because I feel like I should be moving forward. I’ve really enjoyed being home with my son this past year. I’ve wanted to be here with him, and I’m grateful that I’ve been able to have this time. But I think there’s a difference between appreciating a season of your life and wanting to stay in it forever. I don’t want to rush away from this time with him, but I also don’t want to become so comfortable that I’m afraid to move when it’s time.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been feeling lately. Not necessarily that I need to change everything, but that I’m becoming more aware of time. Tycen is growing. I’m getting pieces of myself back. Our home is changing. The seasons are changing. And I’m thinking more about what comes next. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more, contributing more, figuring everything out already, but I was recently reminded that I’ve spent the last year doing something pretty important too. I’ve been raising my son.

I don’t know exactly when the next chapter is supposed to begin, and maybe that’s okay. I don’t want to force it. I just hope that, for right now, being here is what my son needs from me. And when it’s time for me to step into whatever comes next, I hope I can recognize that too. Until then, I’m going to keep pouring into him, keep being present, keep creating a home for my family, and keep letting myself sit in this quieter season for a little while longer.

I don’t need to know what comes next yet. Maybe I can just be here.